Where is the sense in all this?

DOLLY:

I keep pushing, but nothing happens.

I keep pulling, but I most often quit.

Two opposing fields tearing me apart. Two conflicting poles breaking into my sanity.

Life is complex, I admit, clearly in stark contrast to what I used to believe in. That life is pretty simple? Nah. You haven’t truly lived if you have chosen to stay in that hypocritical illusion. Tell me when and how did life become that easy.

Not at all, with all its dark secrets and silent wishes. With the mournful laments and soul-breaking wailings. The excitement of growing up gets stained with bursts of melancholy. That element of life called wisdom gets busted with dilemmas. Prayer itself gets knocked down by doubts.

Tell me when and how did life become easy, so I could put an end to this Calvary. Tell me how children learned to forgive almost instantly so I could stop my heart from bleeding. Tell me of tales from battles won, of chivalric sacrifices, of cunning lies and troubling truths, and of shattered dreams and glowing hope. Tell me of life’s highs and lows; make me not stop to ponder.

Just tell me.

@

Uncle Frank:

From 269 photographs I took the day after super typhoon Glenda, I easily chose the image above to illustrate your piece to try to show that I understand what you're going through. My photograph, taken 16 July 2014, shows part of the playground of UP Los Baños campus with all those santol fruits ripe and unripe fallen hard on concrete and grass. The road is deserted. There is a lone traveler. The building you see on the left is Baker Hall, where we used to have our PE – it has been deserted for years now. There is a lone santol tree looking forlorn for having been shorn of its leaves and fruits. The carillon is silent. There is an empty park bench on the right. There are dark clouds forming in the distance.

They must mirror the angst of your soul. Did I in fact take that photograph thinking of you? I must have.

I don't know your story, but this is mine. I have learned from it – it's your turn!

In 1965-1966, I went through my own gray nights of soul for about a year, and then greener nights but still uneasy days for many years after. Indeed, I almost suffered a nervous breakdown; luckily, my hometown of Asingan had a doctor who knew his psychiatry and he was the one who calmed me. No medicine. My heart was beating fast; I must have been staring blankly. The exchange was something like this:

Dr Vitug: Focus on this part of the wall. Just focus. Don't let your eyes wander. Then tell me what you're thinking. Tell me what you're feeling. Anything.

Frank H: I think I'm dying. I think I'm going insane.

Dr Vitug: What else?

Very funny now that I've written that! It's as if going mad is merely running a temperature, or you'll-soon-get-over-it kind of tension.

It is apprehension, anxiety, worry, whatever you want to call it. On your own you can't get over it.

Having calmed down, Dr Vitug gave me some tranquilizer I suppose (I was too distraught to check), to take before going to bed. I think I forgot to thank the good doctor. That very first night, I vowed that I will not become dependent on any tranquilizer, so I tried to sleep without taking the drug. I couldn't sleep, so I took one.

The next night, again I postponed taking the drug, and the next night, and the next, until I didn't need that damned thing ever again.

That took care of the sleeping, but I was still anxious.

Oh, I forgot to tell you: Why have I been (almost) crazy? Two things.

One, I got extremed (labeled Extreme Delinquent; in UP, that means they kick you out), and that was a kick in the ass of the proud probinsyano. I was readmitted, but the harm had been done, and I felt it couldn't be undone.

Two, I broke up with my girlfriend, my first love, because (I will not give you the details but) suddenly I realized that I was being treated like the well-to-do usually treats the not-well-to-do: You're not that important. Wala lang.

Two big blows to the ego.

My anxiety was with me for a great many years. One time, I went to church in my hometown and asked God to cure me; that was on my birthday, 17 September, the year I forget. What did God tell me? Nothing! He was very silent. He didn't even say a promising "Why not?" and then forget about it; He didn't even say a soft "No." So, much later, I said, "There is no God." I did.

So, the next year, I got married to a different girl, had children, but my angst wouldn't leave me. I returned to the Roman Catholic fold when I saw that my marriage was breaking apart and some kind souls were willing to sponsor us for a Marriage Encounter sponsored by the Bukás Loób sa Díyos (BLD) Covenant Community. That was 1991. The ME saved my marriage.

Later that year, we attended a Family Encounter (FE). My family was also disintegrating with me. I am sure the FE saved my family. Thank you BLD family!

But the ME and the FE didn't save me from my silent anguish. And then I learned from prayer meetings with the BLD to surrender all my cares and throw them all at the foot of the cross. But the miracle I sought didn't happen that day. It still took years. I had to wait. How did I realize finally that God had answered Yes to my prayers? One day, at home, with the children, I suddenly had the awareness that:

Hey, I have family and I love being with my family!

Dolly, what did I learn from all that? As Dr Vitug showed me, I had to confront the very source of my fear. If you think you're going loco, okay, think about that! The fear will soon go away. Whatever the thought, if you try to avoid that thought, it will not leave you.

Importantly, I had to learn to forgive. That is the hardest lesson this teacher has ever learned. (I am/was a teacher; I graduated with a BSA major in Agricultural Education, and I passed the 1st Teacher's Exam in 1964 with a good-enough grade of 80.6%.) This teacher had to teach himself.

You have to learn to forgive not only in your mouth but also in your heart. You have to forget. It's not easy, but only you can do it for yourself. Nobody else can do it for you. My wife says, "I am willing to forgive, but I am not yet ready." When will you be ready?!  How do I survive that? I let her be. This is my equation: Love is not a 50-50 proposition; it is 100-100. So, if your partner is zero, your love is still 100%. Today, I tell people, jokingly and seriously, "Angry with me? I'm not angry with you. You have a problem!"

You cannot forgive if you cannot forget. What happened to the thief who was beside Jesus Christ in Calvary when he asked for forgiveness? Christ immediately forgot his sins and admitted him to Paradise.

Forgive in your heart and forget in your mind, Dolly de los Reyes, and pray that sooner or later, you will be admitted to Paradise on Earth!