Should have listened, should have cared enough

clip_image001Damn! Why should I even bother? Why not leave me in peace? The hell with this conscience! Leave me to rot and perturb me not anymore… never!

The Conscience… The mind… The ailing heart… The cause of deep pain and humiliation, known only to you, to your friend, and to God.

You could have done something. You could have answered her call. You could have excused yourself from the party. You could have given, maybe could have given, just a few minutes of your precious time. Oh! Your boyfriend could have waited. You could have left the smoky room and gave her your full attention.

She could have at least clung to a thin thread of hope, which she might have seen swinging on your upper limbs. She could have at least felt a surge of peace, even just for a few seconds, and could have eradicated that morbid thought away from her clouded mind. You knew it. You sensed it. But you didn't pay attention, thought she was just exaggerating things, jealous perhaps of the happy life you have, and well, must have wanted to give you a share of her misery. You resigned into this trail of thoughts, fully convinced that she'll be staying with you longer, continuously annoying you, and sharing you her bullshits.

Presto! You passed by a chapel, entered, knelt before God, talked to Him, and told Him a litany of success stories that He has so generously given you. Your phone rang, but you ignored it, because you were inside a holy place; entertaining the call would have been a blunt disrespect. You left the chapel, completely forgetting to check the identity of the caller.

"I should have listened; I should have cared enough."

How beautiful she was! Dressed in plain white which her mother herself had sewn. On top of the metal box are photos of her, displayed in her honor, for the sake of the people who, like you, had closed their ears when she was painfully screaming in agony. That mocking smile… those piercing eyes… the sarcasm hidden beyond that happy face staring motionless in front of you, or was it simply you imagining it?

One goodbye… a fatal blow… you were the best friend, but you knew you didn't care enough. The casket's lowered; her body forever left, infested by microorganisms soon, and will be part of the fertile land where everyone else was standing on. You looked everywhere, tears streaming frantically down your ghoulish face, her family's anguish killing you, because… you knew it, she knew it, God knows, that you were the closest person who could have saved her.

Now it's too late. But you knew pretty well how to hold on tight to life's cruelty (unlike her… weak and faint-hearted). Your heart felt like bursting; body felt like burning, feet felt like dragging you down to the same grave. You called your boyfriend… a few seconds… his raspy voice… and these lines, "I'm sorry honey. I can't attend to you for a week; really busy right now. I have to leave. See you later!"

Now it's your turn. What should you do to release that burning pain in your soul? Your eyes are searching. No, it can't be!

Comes a whisper: "You should have listened; you should have cared enough."

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