Where do I go from here?
I remember the life I had ten years ago. I was a fresher in college then, taking up Bachelor in Secondary Education major in English. Things changed somehow when I turned 18. I shifted to General Science as a major. Since then, everything became smooth-sailing. That's what I thought.
I would always admire my group. They called us young scientists, intuitive and adventurous as we were; we always proved them right. My future was set then. I would rise to the top; I would do better than my batch mates; I would enroll in post graduate courses, and be one of the best science teachers in the country. When I was absorbed by my Alma Mater, I stood grateful and happy for helping me take the first steps towards my dreams.
I was good. I’d often receive positive feedback and thumbs up from my mentors and school head. My board rating was high and most importantly, my students learnt from me.
I didn’t see it coming. When I transferred to my current school, I was assigned a teaching load in the English department. The excellence-driven me accepted the challenge. How ironic! I was supposed to teach Biology in either of the two universities where I was accepted. And there I was trapped in a school that offered me an English load. That was how I treated the matter then.
But I was willing to learn. Three years of teaching, learning, updating, and mastering the subject taught me valuable lessons. It also awakened the buried gift in me, the passion for writing. I handled school paper responsibilities, trained and coached champions in literary and journalistic competitions, and gained more confidence in speaking and communicating in English. My teaching career flourished.
Not until I decided to apply for a Master’s Degree did I start doubting. I applied for a writing course but wasn’t accepted due to lack of technical knowledge that was taught in the undergraduate courses. I felt frustrated at first, but eventually accepted my fate.
However, doubt slowly engulfed my being. Queries popped out in different forms. Why am I applying for a higher degree for something that I really haven’t studied? I would like to take an English post graduate course, but how will I give the questions justice if I haven’t studied them before? How will I qualify if I lack the prerequisites?
I am not getting any younger. When I look at my sister, I can't help but wonder what my career could have been if I pursued Science. She earned her Master’s Degree in General Science in one of the country’s top-caliber institutions. I know I have the intelligence she has and it wouldn’t be impossible for me to follow her footsteps. But, how could I even start if I am in a foreign land? I don’t want to waste the six years I spent mastering the pedagogy of Science, but it seems that now I had to review and study the specialized subject that I once loved and valued.
My three years of teaching English isn’t a guarantee that I will have the life I’ve wanted. I couldn’t teach the subject in High School since it wasn't my field. I don't feel confident enough to transfer to another school and teach General Science, Biology, or Chemistry since I’ve been out from the field for three years. I am not even confident applying for a Master’s Degree anymore.
This is just so confusing. This makes me sick. I am totally perplexed. I was almost there but the circumstances have totally changed my life. I’m in the pit of giving up. This baffles me a lot. My future is vague. And I know that at the end of it all, I’ll be left alone to pick myself up and fine tune whatever is wrong in my life. No one can help me but myself.
If God could just deliver me from this dilemma abruptly, there will be no suffering. But that’s not always the case. I can't help but worry because the once clear path is now muddled with uncertainties. I am trapped in an unforeseen maze. My feet are stuck on the ground. I kept trying to finally let go of my comfort zone, but here I am finding myself in the same situation, the same circumstances, the same place, and the same people.
No, my mind’s not left my comfort zone totally. I’ve longed to be free of this, but it seems that the cosmic universe will not allow me still. I want to fly high and soar, but the uncontrollable events in my life have prevented me from doing so. Now, I am battling with the good in me against the worrisome ghastly me.
Challenges, failures, disappointments do come. I am simply going with the flow right now. Writing excites me, and it keeps me motivated. Sharing my thoughts through writing de-stresses me.
I’m still too young, trying to figure things out on my own, but the road is long and winding. I can’t see what’s ahead. I do know that God is in control, but the process isn’t really easy.
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