WHEN GOD CHISELS

sculptIt was barely three months when I experienced a loss, or to be more appropriate, a failure. I remember myself eagerly applying for a Master’s Degree in Creative Writing. Optimistic as I was, I faced my doubts squarely. Come examination time, my mind just turned blank. I was groping for words, desperately trying to extract the creative juice my mind could best offer. Well, it didn’t come out that way, and true enough, I flunked the written examination. Well, you must have imagined the disappointment I’ve been through.

Looking back, I was used to winning and achieving what I wanted. My numerous triumphs in various areas in my life led me into believing that I was favored by God. I was a consistent honor student (#1); trophies and medals I brought to my Alma Mater for competitions won; and the beam of pride I continuously marked in my humble parents’ eyes.

I continue dreaming. My friends and acquaintances look up to me. They regard me as someone atop them; someone so blessed and fortunate to have the kind of life that I am living right now; but amidst all these, I have remained humble.

However, there is this part of me that should be chiseled. Unknown to me, I have this egocentric, selfish, fame-hungry me. I didn’t know I have this, until God allowed me to experience failures and disappointments that were supposed to teach me things that I shouldn’t have taken for granted. I experienced the easy-go-lucky phase which deprived me of receiving the highest honors in Higher Education. Although my board rating was high, I still wasn’t really satisfied, for I know that I could have done more. I wasn't #1. And the most recent, the test I failed to pass (so dear to me).

People say that the real you will only be seen as you experience a crisis in your life, something tragic, mind-blowing, and totally upsetting. That holds true to me. In the midst of my joy, I clearly see God as a generous, loving Father. But it just changed. Doubt engulfed me when I learned about my failed creative writing test. Pain consumed my heart. Shame took my joy away. I doubted Him for not granting my desire. I asked, “Why not? When?” I was smashed into pieces, and thus accused Him of hurting me. My pride took my joy for that shame that was slowly creeping into my being. I didn’t trust Him; I turned into questioning Him instead even if I knew I didn’t have the least right to do it.

The slow process of my healing started a day after I learned of that bad news. It was a painstaking experience for I was still hurting. My heart still nurtured the twinge, but bravely faced it as reality kicked off in front of me. I had to swallow my pride as hard as I could. When I felt like blurting out my self-made insanity, I had to fight against myself to restore the good in me.

It wasn’t long enough when I mustered the courage to say “I am completely changed”. In one of the usual Sunday Feasts at Feast Alabang where I regularly serve (during the opening of the series “Bounce”), God spoke to me through the words of Bro. Arun Gogna.

“God values your character more than your comfort.”

I could vividly see Bro Arun Gogna sculpting something massive and mysterious. He needed to chisel some parts, some so big that it I could almost feel pain, to chisel out some fragments that gave the figure its curves and shape. Marveling at that simple analogy, I burst into tears. Yes, it was God. Those loving hands and fingers deliberately chiseling some parts of me, some too small to be noticed, some too painful to be dissociated from my being. I saw myself wailing at every strike of the sharp metal, but He never failed to look at me with assuring eyes. Every blow made me uncomfortable, but He never yielded to my pleas, for it simply wasn’t time.

When God chisels, the outcome is far beyond man’s imagination, exceeding human boundaries; unfathomable, but for real.

Stupefying! He could have let me pass; He could have granted all my heart’s desires; He could have given me everything in an instant, but He didn’t. He knew the consequences. He knew my line of thoughts. He knew it wasn't for me, or rather, it wasn’t the right time for me to achieve it. Distinctly, he was asking me to be patient, to be humble, and to learn to dream without any personal biases.

I might have experienced a drawback, but He’ll soon replace it with success. He is my oasis in the desert; He is my dawn after the darkness; He is my Creator, and He made an incredibly great person in me.

God values my character more than my comfort. He makes sure that I grow in maturity, that I go out secured, and that I become a good shepherd to those whose path I shall come across. And with this I am thankful.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Go on and risk everything, or go back and forget everything

Image
Between now and tomorrow lie uncertainties, and that is where life’s paradox dwells. We are taught to work hard for something we want done. We start to believe that there is a somewhere where all dreams meet as one. We heed the signs that seem to lead us to that one destination. We ignore the hindrances to keep focused. There is nothing stopping us to move forward. And then we give our partial best in any area of our life. We live, laugh, and love to experience that momentary bliss. That is NOW. But tomorrow doesn’t come in quickly. In between the two is a small crack, a gap, where countless heavings and sighings are witnessed. This is that one instance when doubt suddenly crowds our hopeful minds. When we suddenly realize that we are not equipped enough for the battle that awaits us. It is when life’s crossroads are met. The end of the tunnel is seen, but the only thread of hope we are clinging into is as dark as a starless night. Negativities creep in and consume most of the powe
Read more

A Spark of Hope

Image
"As a painter or writer, you have to walk even dangerous waters in order to succeed more than the others."  - Frank Hilario Two weeks have passed and I haven't written any article yet. I missed writing, and I deeply sensed it; the circumstances were just too much for me to handle. And so I reclined on my self-imposed "busy state." Inquisitiveness led me into the blog site of a highly-respected man, Frank Hilario. I came upon his blog on a painting genius, whom he likened to a budding writer – full of dreams and full of hopes, but nevertheless realizing his dreams and seeing them come true. Reading further acquainted me with the man behind the paintings, Paul Hilario, the son of Frank Hilario. The latter's writings were written by a genius; the former's paintings were surreal; yes, these people are real. I talked to myself. I asked my heart. I conversed with my imaginary sage. All of them asked me how I was. I fell silent. All three guided me into this
Read more

Love. Trust. Pain. Forgiveness

Image
March 30, 2013 – It was my special day then. After a series of birthday celebrations from one set of friends to another, my fellow young single ladies and I decided to follow the mob – and off we went to the movie house for the exciting romantic sequel of Sarah Geronimo and John Lloyd Cruz’s “It Takes a Man and a Woman.” I remember myself being so curious of the story line. I kept asking myself: What is it this time? I eventually resigned and anxiously waited for the big twist. If being able to cry during the movie is equated with its high quality, then I would gladly give it two thumbs up. But then again, we don’t measure it through the amount of tears we shed. Love, trust, pain, and forgiveness have inhabited my mind since then. Love , for one, is bathed with mystery. It can break all impossibilities. It can bring you to the heights of human emotions that only those who are capable of loving can experience. It is enveloped with magic, with sweet promises, and with the laudable whisp
Read more