"You can do it." "No, I can't"

(A soliloquy written 3 years ago)
“You can do it."
"No, I can’t!”

See? That is how I deal with myself. Confusions, struggles, headaches nag me everyday.

I’ve been serving God for 7 years. I started with the Charismatic Renewal Movement community when I was in my 3rd year in college. When I moved to Manila, I was ushered to join the Singles for Christ community. Now, I’m a happy member of the Light of Jesus community, founded and headed by Bro Bo Sanchez himself. The road I am taking is clearly the path that I have chosen.

But it doesn’t end there. Am I a happy person? Yes, I am. But it’ll take a long way for me to proudly announce to the world that I am 100% contented with my life now. The root is simple but deadly. SIN.

Like a wingless butterfly, I am crippled.

My heart has been in anguish for a long time. I don’t know how and why I entered into this state. Deep in my heart, I know that God is the lone answer. But still I cannot bring myself to total renewal. Sin draws me into the world of lies. Into the dungeon do I find myself stuck as I commit sin after sin after sin. Things that I do often interest me. But this sin constantly plays with me. Often disguised as a delectable dish, I open my mouth and devour it, savoring its sweetness in full pleasure. Until its aroma clings to my clothing and the guilt stains my purity.

I’ve read a lot of inspirational books. I have attended a series of forums, seminars, talks and conferences. But the change just won't come. I am ready, and I long to change. But why a feeling of bitterness? It is because I easily give in to the beautifully wrapped gifts offered to me. I fail to open the right gift for me. Rather, I focus myself on the fancy-covered presents. That’s how things go. I feel so weak, bitter, sad, angry with myself.

Isn’t “Walk your talk” supposed to be my life’s motto?

I know. But you see? I am crippled. I can't bring myself to stand and renounce the works of Satan in my life. I love God, I’m sure of that. But why do I see it as lip service? The reason is obvious. I am living in sin.

My constant prayer is to be delivered from this crap I’ve placed myself into.

One day, God will fully reign in my heart. I claim it. I know well that He won't let me stay in this abyss until the day I return to Him.

PS.
God has rescued me, and I am now a happy servant of God.

Comments

  1. Charm DogmaJuly 7, 2013 at 10:24 AM

    Isn’t “Walk your talk” supposed to be my life’s motto? -- I agree! I feel you, baby doll :) God bless...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. UnknownJuly 22, 2013 at 11:17 PM

      Thank you Mommy Charm! And painstakingly, with God's guidance, I am deliberately walking my talk. Be blessed and be a blessing! :-)

      Delete

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